Emotions control us? As if not! Recent studies show that we can learn to control the painful mood swings, emotional explosions and self -destructive behavior. And there are effective techniques for this.
What to do in the case when emotions capture us, especially negative? Can we curb, say, our anger? Psychologists are sure that yes. In the book “Therapy
of mood”, Doctor of Medical Sciences David Burns combined the results of numerous research and clinical experience and explained the methods of changing painful depressive states, reducing exhausting anxiety and managing strong emotions.
The author in no case rejects the need to use drug treatment in severe cases, but he believes that in many situations you can do without chemistry and help the client, limited to psychotherapy. In his conviction, it is our thoughts that determine feelings, therefore, with the help of cognitive techniques, you can cope with low self -esteem, a sense of guilt and anxiety.
“A sudden change in mood is the same symptom as a runny nose with a cold. All the negative states that you experience is the result of negative thinking, ”writes Berns. – the key role in its appearance and preservation is played by illogical pessimistic views. Active negative thinking always accompanies depressive episodes or any painful emotions of a similar nature. “.
So, you can start the process in the reverse order: we remove illogical conclusions and thoughts – and return the positive or at least a realistic view of ourselves and the situation. Perfectionism and fear of mistakes, anger, which is then ashamed … Anger is the most destructive feeling, sometimes literally. Anger aimed at himself often becomes a trigger for self -over -state behavior. And the rage splashed out, destroys the relationship (and sometimes – life). How to deal with it? Here’s what it is important to know about his anger, writes Berns.
1. No event can make you get angry, only your gloomy thoughts give rise to anger
Even when something really bad happens, your emotional response determines the meaning that you give what is happening. The idea that you are responsible for your anger is ultimately extremely beneficial for you: it makes it possible to gain control and choose your condition yourself.
How do you want to feel? You decide. If this were not so, you would depend on any event taking place in the outside world.
2. In most cases, anger is not an assistant to you
He only paralyzes you, and you freeze in your hostility and cannot achieve the desired results. You will feel much better if you pay attention to the search for creative solutions. What can you do to cope with the difficulty or at least reduce the likelihood that in the future it will disable you? This position will help to cope with helplessness and disappointment.
And you can also replace anger … joy, because they cannot be tested at the same time. Remember some happy moment of your life and answer yourself the question of how many moments of happiness you are ready to exchange for irritation.
3. Thoughts that generate anger most often contain distortions
If you fix them, you can reduce passions. For example, talking with a person and angry with him, you hang labels on him (“Yes, he is stupid!”) And see it in black. The result of overshrow is demonization. You put a cross on a person, although in fact you do not like him, but his act.
4. Anger is caused by the belief that someone is working dishonestly or some event is unfair
The intensity of anger will increase in proportion to how seriously you perceive what is happening as a conscious desire to cause you evil. The yellow light caught fire, the motorist did not give way to you, and you rush: “He did it on purpose!»But the driver could rush himself. Did he think at that moment, whose hurry is more important? Hardly.
5. Having learned to see the world through the eyes of others, you will be surprised that their actions do not seem unfair to them
In these cases, injustice is an illusion that is only in your mind. If you are ready to abandon an unrealistic idea that your concepts of truth, injustice, justice and justice share everything, most of indignation and disappointment will disappear.
6. Other people usually do not feel that they deserve your punishment
So, “punishing” them, you are unlikely to be able to achieve the desired effect. Fury often only causes a further deterioration in relations, tunes people against you and works as a self -retention of prophecy. And what really helps is a system of positive reinforcement.
7. For the most part, anger is associated with the protection of your self -esteem.
Most likely, you are often angry when others criticize you, do not agree with you or do not behave the way you want. Such anger is inadequate, because only your own negative thoughts destroy your self -esteem.
8. Despair – a consequence of unfulfilled expectations.
Disappointment is always associated with unrealistic expectations. You have the right to try to influence reality, but this is not always possible. The simplest solution is to change expectations by lowering the bar.
9. Insist that you have the right to be angry is pointless
Of course, you have the right to feel anger, but the question is whether you benefit from the fact that you are angry? What do you get and the world from your rage?
10. Anger is rarely necessary to remain a person
It is not true that you will turn into an insensitive robot if you are not angry. On the contrary, getting rid of this annoying irritability, you will feel a greater taste for life, and also feel how your joy, peace and productivity grow. You will experience a sense of liberation and clarity, David Burns is convinced.